How to Catch Crabs (lolz)

This is the Problogue to the Crabnini, which will be tasty. In order to catch crabs (lolz), you will need a few necessary ingredients: 1) An ocean, or in my case, a bay. (Why aren't there seagulls in the bay? Because otherwise, THEY'D BE BAYGULLS!!!!!!! AHAHAHFHDSLKFH AKLJJJHA) 2) A net and a bait-cage. The bait-cage is just so that the little crabbies don't steal the bait and scuttle away. 3) Chicken thighs, from Grocery Outlet, or someplace like that. You can also get it from a dumpster or someplace like that. Crabs aren't picky. I've known old hot dogs to be very effective. 4) You're gonna need a knife. In the picture it's a Swiss Army knife, which I hate, but I couldn't find my other one. Sometimes you just have to make do. 5) Twine. This can be obtained at your local Ikea, or, failing that, the same dumpster from step 3, above. I used fishing line, because I left the twine at home. Never use fishing line. You will hate your life. 6) A paper bag, to put the crabbies in after you capture them with your net. 7) A striped shirt, preferably white and black, Alcatraz style, but in a pinch, red and white or black and blue will work. 8) A box of ten or so toastable waffles. These are important. (Eggos are preferred, but I managed to make do with Krusteaz this time)


Tie the bait-cage to the net, and then tie the twine to the net. You'll need enough twine so that the net rests on the ocean floor. It's better to go closer to the shore than out on the end of the pier. I always stay right next to the glorious stench of the Men's (no Boys) bathroom near the rocks, and whenever I talk to fellow Crabfishers, I'm usually the only one with a respectable catch. And my net is tiny. Anyways, so you put a chicken thigh in the cage (make sure it's not boneless, because the crabbies will just suck it through the wire), and then choose a zen location to throw the net. It should sink. If not, try again. Remember to hold on to the other end of the twine. If you have neglected this step already, you'll need to buy new materials. Now that your net is on the ocean floor, sit down and read a book or talk to people or something. I don't really care; this is your time.

When you're ready to check on the net, (don't worry, when it's time, you'll just know. It's a spiritual thing. It should take at least five or ten minutes though) assume a manly crabfishing stance and pull up on the twine, until you can see the net. Hopefully you'll have crabs by now (lolz), but if not, put the net back a few feet away from its previous position. If you see some of the little bastards in there, then take them out. They're much too small, trust me. You'll know when you see one worth eating. Caution: They're really hard to pull out; their little legs latch onto the net and then they get tangled. Just turn the net upside down and they should let go eventually.


Once you catch one or two good-sized ones (make sure to make a big show of pulling them out with your big manly self; don't be afraid to pretend that the net is really heavy. The girls eat that stuff right up) you should change places. Replace your chicken, and then throw the net somewhere else. My lucky spot is to the left of the bathrooms, next to the hot dog stand. But for now, it's time for lunch.


Now that you're well-fed and no longer in danger of eating the chicken, you can do a check-up on your crabs (lolz). With any luck, a group of girl scouts should show up and ask a lot of questions, giving you the chance to pretend to be funny and manly and good at crabfishing. Try to have at least one crab already in the bag, so that you look cool when they ask if you've gotten any yet.


Congratulations! You have crabs! (lolz)